Last week after Meg didn't make counts I was so angry.
We wanted to start treatment for a few reasons. This phase she will be admitted every other Friday. So, if she started last week she'd be home and able to attend Relay for Life this weekend, her favorite nurse, Britt, works every other weekend and would be there the same weekends as us, and we'd be in town for Sirri's play at the end of the month. Not to mention we really just want to get this show on the road. The sooner you start, the sooner you're done!
Meg had been praying her little heart out for two weeks that she'd make count and I was praying MY heart out that a deserving little girl's prayers would be answered. So, when they weren't I was mad. I felt frustrated and upset and confused. Why do we even pray if Heavenly Father's will is just going to happen anyway? I know that His plan is always best for us and He knows what we need so why pray? I'll just let him do His thing.
I was angry for two days and on Sunday decided it was time to let it go but I knew I'd need help. So, I made it a matter of fasting. I knew it was what I needed to do so I reluctantly got on my knees and did what I didn't want to do. I prayed.
As I pored out my heart and prayed about my frustrations and questions a very distinct thought came to my mind:
I AM MINDFUL OF YOU.
Those five words reminded me in that instant that I have always had a testimony that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and He loves me. This testimony has carried me through many hard times. There are many things that I don't understand and plenty of questions that sometimes confuse my mind, but this I know. My Heavenly Father truly is mindful of me.
I went to church and attended my sister in law's Sunday School class. I couldn't believe it when she began a very beautiful and touching lesson about prayer. Some of the things she said and taught gave me a little more insight into the questions I had prayed about just that morning. Heavenly Father was answering my prayers in a way that I could not deny.
After Sunday School, Relief Society was about to begin and Sister Choffin began passing out little slips of paper with short phrases on them. She passed out a total of 17 of them to various women and she'd have us read them as part of her lesson. She came towards me and handed me my piece of paper. I graciously accepted it, looked down to read it and could not believe my eyes. My slip of paper had only five words on it:
I AM MINDFUL OF YOU.
I still don't perfectly understand prayer. I still wonder why I can't just let Heavenly Father do His "thing." I'm still bummed out that it didn't work out for us to go last week. I'm still a little frustrated that my sweet 8 year old's prayers weren't answered (the way we thought they should be anyway.) But this I know. Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me and He is mindful of me. And for now, that is enough.