Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Yesterday, I took Sirri and Meg to the doctor. Meg has a bit of pneumonia in her right lung and Sirri just has the crud.

Last night as I was laying in bed I was thinking about what a great day today could be. I actually like snow days, vacation days and in this case, sick days. I like having all my kids home with me. Sirri doesn't enjoy missing school so I was hoping to make it a day where she was happy to be home, thankful for a day off. I was envisioning sleeping in, laying around in our jammers all day, watching movies, eating popcorn, playing play dough, painting nails. All things that are good for the soul when you are under the weather.

The morning started out well. The kids actually DID sleep in and we enjoyed a lazy morning of cartoons and making a big pot of soup together.

And then, without warning, the joyful morning walked right out the door and in stormed a bad bad mood and a few extra sicko bugs. Unfortunately, they all took residence in ME!

By late afternoon I was so cranky, impatient and down right plain ornery with my kids. There was not a nice thing coming out of my mouth and I knew it. I could hear myself, I just chose not to stop myself. The poor kiddos couldn't do anything right. I even thought to myself several times, "I hope you have a savings account for the therapy your kids are going to need after today." It was that bad. This sad state of affairs went on much too long.

Finally, I had had enough tears (mine and the kids) and tantrums (mine and the kids) that I decided mommy needed a time out and I shut myself in my room.

Luckily for the kids and me both, Kendon arrived home shortly thereafter. He was everyone's rescuer. He even brought home a Cocomotion machine. (Recently at bookgroup a friend introduced me to steamers and I've been hooked ever since. I've been making mine in the microwave which is just not the same. So, Kendon brought me the real deal home tonight! Very good timing, indeed. Thank you, babe. Steamers are the ONLY reason I don't want spring to come. Steamers are much more enjoyable when it is cold out! But I'm willing to give them up for a little sunshine.)

So, I took myself out of timeout and made everyone some hot cocoa. After Connor finished his first cup he said, "Mom, this really warms my heart." Yeah, me too Connor. And heaven knows, I needed some heart warming.

And, now that my kids are all tucked into bed and soundly sleeping, I look back on the day and know that I could have done better. I've been a mom long enough to know that sick kids (and mommies) can make for grumpy kids, who need more love and hugs and tenderness, not a grumpy mom. And even though in the moment, my impatience and grumpiness might have given me a feeling of control and power over the situation, it always ends up being a false sense of control and it is never worth it. (Just like the chocolate chip cookie dough I ate today. Never worth it.)

The part that makes me the most sad, is I can only imagine that at least once today, Sirri probably wished that she were at school instead of at home. That absolutely breaks my heart. One of my hearts greatest desires and goals is that my home will be a sanctuary and safe haven for my kids. I want them to feel that this is the one place in this big scary world that they can always feel safe, secure, loved and of much worth. Today, I didn't provide that.

So, tonight I am thankful for tomorrows. Because I'm praying that tomorrow I can be better than today.

I turned off the comments for this post. I know that you would all leave sweet comments saying that we all have days like this and to not be so hard on myslef. Yes, true, but for today, I really just needed a place to write this down and to take responsibility for my actions. No excuses.