Thursday, August 7, 2008

GUILT.

I hate mother guilt.

hate. it.

Sirri is in her room right now, probably kicking and screaming and feeling so alone and scared because the nurses are having to put in a catheter. She hasn't gone to the bathroom in almost 24 hours and so....

Anyway, here I sit in the computer room cause I couldn't stand to be in there while they did that to her. I left before they woke her up. I just didn't want Sirri to think I was on the side of the "bad guys," as she sees it. But, now I feel guilty that I'm not in there comforting her. (Though, I don't know how holding her arms down is much comfort.)

Ack. This is the tough stuff.

19 comments:

Rochelleht said...

I SO know what this feels like. I remember when Ethan was a baby and at first I thought the good mom stayed when he had all those horrible procedures. Then, it just got too terrible and I had to step out of the room. Once I did it the first time, I didn't even try to stay after that.

Your guilt is misplaced. Therefore, it is inappropriate. I spent YEARS feeling this type of guilt when Ethan was little. It did nothing for either one of us. Once you can let it go and realize that you are actually doing the right thing, you will feel much better and be better able to help Sirri.

So, there's my 2 cents. ;-) You are a great mom and it is totally natural for you to feel that way. I know EXACTLY how it feels. But seriously, you did the right thing not being in that room. It's ok. Really.

Rochelleht said...
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Rochelleht said...
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Colleen said...

stay strong. you are doing what is best for sirri. your a wonderful mom and sirri is lucky to have you as her mom. just keep thinking "this to shall past". sending you happy thoughts. ;0) smiles

Hollyween said...

Lisa-Marie,
I've been so behind on blogs lately. I had a feeling to check yours out and I'm heartbroken to hear this news!!!!
If you need anything, ANYTHING at all, let me know. I am in Utah and if you need a place to come and crash, I'm here.
I do know the pain of what you're going through--though mine was different because it was John and not my child. I think it would be different with a child because they're so young and innocent.

You're in my prayers... Please let me know if you need anything.

Jenibelle said...

I was so glad to talk to you! You know we love you and are praying hard for Sirri and you and your family. I'll call this weekend for an update.

DO NOT beat yourself up, it's not what she needs right now and you know better than that, you are an incredible mom!!

PS. If she DOES have celiac disease, she'll be fine. I have lived with it my whole life and as you can tell, I have thrived!!!

Love you friend!!

Melissa Durtschi said...

It would be so easy to tell you not to beat yourself up but I can't say much because I still do it from time to time.
Leaving was the right thing to do. It is okay if you can't be there all the time. Remember Heavenly Father, he couldn't stand to see his son suffer either, and had to depart.
You are all still in my prayers. Yesterday at the soccer game, they kept talking about doing their best for Sirri. We really miss you Sirri dear!!!

Kim said...

melissa's comment killed me...i love kiddos---doing their best for sirri during soccer!

lis--you are doing amazingly! keep it up. sirri knows you love her and want what's best!

as always-XOXOXO

James & Dawn said...

I haven't checked in on your blog lately and just can not believe what you and your family are going through! I don't even know what to say. You are so strong and brave. I will be thinking of you and praying for your beautiful family.

Penny said...

Hi, Honey--boy all of us moms can identify with your fdeelings. For me it was elbow surgery for Katie after the skateboard accident at age 10. You have been a rock this past week and your strength wiol continue as ong as you need it. We will all continue to pray.

Sirri, you are such a big girl. Aunt Penny is so proud of you and know you will feel better soon. In the meantime you let everyone take care ofd you. XOXO We love you all.

Kay Williams said...

Hi Lisa Marie,
Our prayers are with you and your family. You are one of the awesomest moms that I know. This has got to be very tough though. Stay strong, and take care of yourself so you can be there when Sirri needs you. Please,Please Please, call or email if there is anything I (or R.S.) can do to help.

cath said...

hey lisa - kim's former roomie catherine here ... i am so sorry for the pain of this situation - both sirri's and everyone who loves her - and i think you were wise ... she won't remember it later, and if you were there you would remember it forever.

you can be the nice one who saves her from the meanies!!!

happy, healthy thoughts and prayers are going out for all of you. as i told kim, i hope you and sirri are back home with your fam ASAP.

hugs ...

Claire said...

Dear LM,
I've been worried about your little family since I read of Sirri's initial diagnosis and I've been thinking about you and praying for you.

It sounds like you are handling everything as well as can be expected. I'm so glad her prognosis is good and you are getting good medical care.

As for the guilt, I think a lot of people have been there, done that, and it doesn't get any easier. You have to know your limits and know that you can only help Sirri if you are helping yourself too.

Hang in there. I hope blogging is helping.

Celia

Lauren in GA said...

I agree...this is the tough stuff.

You get to go in and comfort her and be all "good guy". She will remember you came in to calm her down and comfort her after the mean nurses had left.

I hate mother guilt, too.

Lauren in GA said...

We will continue to pray :)

NT Weekes Family said...

Miss Lisa!
I have been behind on my blogs as well.... I cried! ~ (a few times)
You did a Great job typing things out in detail. You're such a strong daughter of God, He LoVes You & he is with YOU every step of the way! Continue to stay the strong person that you are... You'll be in my prayers as well!
LoVa Ya Friend! :o)

Paige said...

So sorry you are going thru this hell but praying for the best!

Stephanie said...

I know what you are going through...

Quintin had surgery on his foot when he was small because he was born with club feet, He wouldn't keep his IV his arm (I guess he didn't like the look of it) so they had to put an IV in his head. I was really upset about it because they asked me to leave the room. They are very difficult to insert correctly and might have to be inserted several different times and he would have to be held down... They told me it is never a good idea for parents to be doing the holding...parents are the care givers and the children's sanctuary. As far as the child is concerned, they won't understand what is going on,fully, so parents should only be involved with healing and nurturing. Leave the other stuff to strangers.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, You are doing EXACTLY what you are supposed to do! Just keep LOVING her.

I hope this helps.

Rick and Annie said...

I feel your pain lady!! this is the tough stuff. There is nothing worse than watching your child be poked with a million needles, IV etc... The hardest part for me was how helpless I became to the situation. The best part is when you get to rush in and save them.
You are still in our thoughs and prays!! We just love you!!
the sager family

p.s. moms are the best!! so thankful for mine!! Don't know what I would do without her!!