Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm Done

This blog has been such a great outlet for me. (Though I apologize to those of you reading it. Knowing my every waking thought is probaby wearing.) It has been nice to have something to do besides read New Moon (ick.) or watch tv while Sirri is sleeping. It gives me a way to sort out my thoughts when there is no one hear to listen and I'm thankful to have a record of this. Hopefully, some day I will look back upon this experience as a fading memory.

As for tonight I am just feeling worn out. I was in the cafeteria a few minutes ago, ordering myself my 1000th grilled cheese sandwich. I stood against the wall waiting for it to cook and sheer  exhaustion set in. I was not sure I could go one more minute. Of course, I did, and I will, but I am so ready for this to be done. I looked around the cafeteria at other parents who looked just as tired as me and felt so much sympathy for those who wil have to do this longer than I will. But even so, I just want to go home. I want to get our scan over with tomorrow. I need it to be okay and I need to see my kids and husband and remember what my life really feels like.  

25 comments:

andrea said...

hang in there chica. i cannot imagine how exhausted you must feel, all around. you have been amazing. you're almost there.

Hollyween said...

You can do it, Lisa. I know you can. I KNOW that feeling of exhaustion you're talking about. It's very wearing and EMOTIONALLY draining. I know tomorrow will be okay. But I remember when John had his second scan and waiting to hear that it was okay. The waiting is THE WORST!!! It just feels like you can't do it anymore. Like you're going to pass out. But you CAN do it and you WILL. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel when you wake up in the morning. It's amazing how much better things feel after even a few hours sleep.

Please call me if you need to talk or WHATEVER. I understand how hard it is right now. It does get better. Promise.

Bridget said...

Oh Lisa Marie, I am so sorry. I too like Holly know that feeling. When you are so stressed emotionally and life is going a million miles an hour and you just feel like you are going to break in two. There's a light at the end of your tunnel. Wish I were closer and could help you out. I'll keep praying for you. Hang in there.

Robin said...

i am thinking of you all the time lisa. i really am. you're doing a great job.

Jenibelle said...

I wish I could be there to hold you up and let you have a sturdy shoulder to cry on. Or....stay with Sirri while you went and got a really great nap and some Cafe Rio. OR...so we could have a great chat about something OTHER than cancer and fear, or maybe a really great chat about cancer and fear. I just wish I could be there. Hugs and more hugs.

Daedre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rochelleht said...

I've never had to endure the long term hospital situation. Our longest was about 5 days and our children's hospital is not 4 hours away. I can only imagine how tired you are. A family in a ward this last year went through kidney cancer with their 2 year-old. It was a full year of surgery and radiation. I learned so much from their strength.

Sometimes these trials can not only teach us things, but those around us. I have learned much of endurance and faith these last couple of weeks reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. They benefit more than you know.

Eli & Angela said...

If anyone can endure, it is you. You are so amazing Lisa! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I'm also thinking and praying for you and your family.

Phillip and Kirsten said...

way to hang in there all this time. you are such a strength to sirri during all this unfun, not to mention the rest of your family and friends. you're doing all you can, just keep going!

Kim said...

YAHOO you are on your way home! Mom just called. You are a shining example to me. Keep it up. Sirri is lucky to have you!!!!

Melissa said...

You don't know me, but somehow I found your blog and just wanted to you to know, I put Sirri's name on the DC temple roll this morning. I admire your strength and testimony.

I have not faced the fear of a child with cancer, but we have spent months in a Children's Hospital worrying and wondering. (and wishing for a normal bed-- and sleeping in actual pj's, and real food.)

I'll continue to pray for your family, I hope you have a great homecoming. :)

NT Weekes Family said...

Home Sweet Home! I remeber when I was in the NICU with Brendan for 10days! All I wanted to do was just GO HOME!!! ~ I had never prayed so hard & cried so much.. having a baby is supposed to be a happy time... I just wanted to go home! My other kids did come visit me every other day, that was nice, but I can't imagine not seeing for a long period of time like you have! You Are an insperation to ME! Sometimes it takes a trial for us to truly see our strength... You are a STRONG daughter of God! With lots of LoVe!
PS I'm glad you're HOME! Home Sweet Home!

Lauren in GA said...

You are doing such an amazing job. I hope you get some rest and that your grilled cheese sandwich tasted so divine that it was an amazing experience. ;)

I will still pray for you and your wonderful family.

gab said...

Hoping that you are home and getting some rest and rejuvenation from your family and friends.

You probably feel like you have aged 10 years...but thanks for teaching us all through this trial.

Stephanie said...

WHOOOOOO I am so glad for Sirri!!

I am so glad that all the tests came back clear...HURRAYYYYYY!!

XOXO

Stephanie said...

PS ???YOU DON'T LIKE NEW MOON?????

Jessica said...

L-M,
I've been at Girls Camp for the week and was just able to catch up. i read backwards, so I got the full effect. I'm so hoping that because you wrote these 4 days ago, that it means you went home and aren't at the hospital in front of a computer screen as often!

What a tough time you've had! I'm sorry your little girl has been in pain and I'm sorry you've been away from home so long and I'm sorry you've had to wait with these fears in your heart. I love your faith and optimism.

I've been saying prayers for you and Sirri and can't wait to hear the latest!

umeand3 said...

Hey Lisa Marie, I hope all has turned out well with the scan. I just found out about Sirri yesterday on my way home from Flaming Gorge. I can't believe it. You are such a tough cookie though, you're doing great, I know you can do it. Your family is adorable and you are all in my prayers. I hope we get the opportunity to see you soon. Shoot me an email at lilmissmlh@yahoo.com and I'll get you an invite to my blog. I'll be checking back to make sure Sirri is doing well. Call me if you need anything while you are here, but I hope you are home. 801-815-5902.
Love you tons! Hang in there.

Mandi

Ilene said...

I hope you get home soon and don't have to eat another grilled cheese sandwich for a LONG time.

Good luck!

Tristan said...

You are amazing! I am sorry you and your family are going through this! I hope things get better real soon!

♥Shally said...

You have been amazing through all of this... I can imagine you are done. I would be too.. we all would be.

Your strength has been an inspiration! You can DO THIS.

Grandma W. said...

All our prayers were answered, Honey! This has been such a trying experience for you and Kendon = and the kids! Let's hope this will be the last time for a
LONG time!! We are so grateful the scan turned out the way it did!
We know prayers work don't we??!!
We love all of you so much!

Laurel said...

Oh, Lisa-Marie! I am so sorry for all you have been going through. I have been away from the computer for a few weeks (having a bit of a pity party for myself, maybe) and I was just dumbstruck when I checked your blog tonight. What a nightmare for you.

My heart and prayers are with you. I am grateful that things look as well as they do at this point, but I can not imagine the anxiety, worry, and difficulty you have been through. I am so sorry I was not aware sooner.

Much love to you and sweet little Sirri. God bless! I will be praying for you.

The Hills said...

Lisa, you have always been a well of spit-fire and tenacity for as long as I can remember you. You WILL bounce back and until then, you can rely on the wonderful amount of support you are getting. Know that our little family will also be praying for you.
Maren (Wold) Hill

Hazen5 said...

Lisa-Marie, I am sending you all my good vibes! I hope you are home now. Keep your head up, things are just going to get better!