Or in my case....
The "calm, won't shed a tear, I can handle this, no worries, crisis mode mamma," has left the building.
Okay, so it's not that bad, but reality hit a little bit. I've been too busy just doing what I've been needing to do, that reality hadn't really set in. The reality is, that my child had CANCER.
I feel so incredibly blessed that we can say, HAD. My child HAD cancer. But as one of the dads we met here told Cindy, we still have been fighting a crisis and we should let ourselves feel that. It is okay to accept and own the problem. There will always be someone who has problems greater than ours but that doesn't mean that ours are easy and we don't need to pretend that they are. I really appreciated that advice. So, I've let myself feel the pain, and fear, and worry and tiredness but I've also let it go. It feels good.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Sirri's oxygen levels had been dropping and she was requiring more and more oxyegn to breathe. So, they ordered a chest x-ray. The x-ray revealed that some of the fluid in her chest was not draining but was forming around her lungs causing the difficulty. To eleviate some of the fluid they needed to insert another chest tube. This was so distressing to me because Sirri's first chest tube is what has been causing Sirri the most pain. I just couldn't imagine causing her more pain and setting us back any further. I called Kendon and had a cry my eyes out pity party and felt much better. I told him this feels like the never ending story. Thank goodness we do know that this story will end and it has a happy ending. In a few days (whatever that exactly means, I don't know.) we will be home and life will resume as normal.
The procedure to place the chest tube in went extremely well and the fluid has been draining quite quickly. Sirri's oxygen levels are already up. Right along with her ozygen levels, her GRUMP levels are up as well. Oh well. I can't say that I blame here. But, she is waring me out! She has not had much of an appetite and is still pretty sleepy. We try to get her out of bed a few times a day and she hates this. It really hurts her chest and wears her right out to move so she prefers the comfort of her bed. We've been watching LOTS of movies at all hours of the day. Much of the tiem all Sirri makes it through are the previews before she is out like a light and sawing logs.
Like I mentioned, we don't know when we will be coming home. I'm hoping soon, but won't hold my breathe.
I appreciate all that has been done for my family since I've been away. I miss Kendon and the kiddos and it means so much to me to know that they are being taken care of. While I've been eating cafeteria food for a week straight, ward members are bringing the lucky ducks meals! (Not to mention watching our kids, teaching our Primary lessons, registering Sirri for kindergarten, renewing my over due books, sending e-mails.....)
It has been really difficult for Kendon to be away from Sirri. He feels helpless not knowing what is going on every second and that he can't do anything to help her.
I'll keep everyone posted if there are any changes. Hopefully, that will only mean that Sirri getting better and stronger every day!